Looking for a reason

Man I missed blogging, I haven't been in the mood to write either. So I might sound lousy when you read this.

What they asked for
Yesterday, I almost completely broke down in front of my classmates for the reason that I couldn't take it in me that my classmates weren't practicing for the musical play for Friday seriously.

This week was book fair by the way, I didn't bother writing about it because... SERIOUSLY MAN! the books were not interesting at all! Well maybe except for the book about the hotdog and the duck. GAH! nuff said. BACK TO THE STORY

Jo (Pernia) only started with a scratchy plot on Monday, the first/last week of practice. Me and the class had to fill in the empty parts. As for me, thinking of plots and stories is not my forte, I only direct and that's that. And for the rest of the week, it wasn't a walk in the park. It was on Thursday that I thought that we had no chance of winning at all, Not even a smidget bit of -win! and I'd go back to school the following week no being able to face my classmates.

I spent the rest of my Thursday afternoon mopping around the house while they thought something is up with me.... and so reminds me of my lousy math card grade. WHICH I'm a saved from A-BIT because no one could pick my card at school today. It's D-DAY once again when I get hold of the damn card.

BUT EVEN SO
I was very disappointed with my mates at that time. Only to prove myself wrong when we we're annouced Champions of the play.

and yet I didn't feel happy. I was content but not happy. That was not what I wanted, that was not 100% of what I worked hard for. Maybe I'm pushing myself or my mates to the point that is already unreasonable.

"Forget it" I said to myself before the winners were announced
"I don't mind not winning this, as along as my mates had fun along the way I will have no regrets"
The thing is even if it was like that... They can't say they had a good time. On the contrary, everyone was happy. We also won a bucket of biscuits.
so much for me wanting cookies

I don't know anymore
Yesterday I had another unexpected encounter with the gay man. After what happened yesterday I thought I'd be happy but
I felt nothing.
The moment he came up to me, it was like the disaster that happened in last years' FD (ref to my March07 Post "Laws of photography"). It was like that but more exaggerated on his part.

I mean not in the way that it's like more than friend and such. I know I don't want him anything more than as a friend but I don't want to lose him (more like, lose TO him). Yet his mere presence to me is a nuisance. It's kind of stupid of me to discuss this, because it only makes it look like I'm trying to force myself to like him, just when I forced myself not to like him. What in the world sounded more pathetic?

Admiration of 5 years
For me the greatest kind of admiration I could hold for a person would last up to 5 whole years, it only ended when I admitted to that person. He accepted me but I lost the admiration and to me that person became a laughing stock. I just wish I could do more for him rather than just leave him like that. I wished that I could have been more thankful of him.


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Funny I'll leave saying "I choose to love..."

Later days

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