Not Doing To Well

Today went to the doctor afew hours after school, school was great for a change. I was never given the chance to sleep at least for about 1 minute or more in each subject. It's been going for about a week now since I gt sick.

but for the past three days depression got to me and now after seing the doctor, it seems like it didn't do any help at all. My Pedia ,Dr. Bellmonte, had a change of schedule so I didn't know. She wasn't there when I went to the hospital, I was looking forward to see her. But times are changing soon she won't be there anymore but I don't hope so. She's my favorite doctor.

So When me and my grandmum found out that she wasn't there today my grandmum had me look for another pedia, which took me three times to go back and forth in two hospital buildings... It made me feel more depressed as I thought that "I went to the hospital to get well, not get asked favors from, I'm tired!"

same thing happened in the jeep, we took the public transportation, I was hoping dad would at least drive me to the hospital. Anyway We ended up with the pedia right beside my dermatologist's room.... how ironic.

I wanted to talk to a psychiatrist... I felt that I needed this more than a pedia, I feel sick ot the stomach right now... It must have been something I ate, I don't feel like enumerating it.

For all I care, the doctor said that if I don't get well by monday, I have to go back and visit him. I'm not really looking forward to that. I'm starting not to like the hospital.... For me the hospital is a place where you sty at when your really sick.... I'm not sick am I?

but it feels like it.......... so why am I here? am not doing any better....

You may say how foolish of me to think so well I know it's folish of me to think like this. I know... I know.

At school, everyone seemed to enjoy the dance practice coz its was something different than what we used to have back in the earlier years... yeah I must hand it to Cheska (De Ocampo) and Recyn (Vallesteros) they did a good job. but at some part of the day I got ticked of once in a while, sometimes I don't even bother to laugh anymore, I smile even when I'm not happy.... whats wrong with me lah?

I felt worse, I had a hard time breathing and I was thinking of the people whom I bother when I'm like this. I'm just greatful that I have classmates who care for me, even when just asking "how are you doing?" makes me feel their consideration for me....

but still I was ticked off... I can't find any reason why I thought of Ed the whole day, he would have called me if he knew I felt like dying already. I wouldn't just call, he would come over and act like a mad man and complain that "if I wasn't ok he wasn't going to be ok".

Albie (Kariwaki Dalumpines), was the only one I really wanted to talk to for the past three days, she's the only one who made me feel ok whenever I felt like I was going to drop dead on the floor and no one would care to pick me up to ask if I am ok. Other than her Johanna (Pernia) and Patrica (Barza) would come up to me and ask if I am ok but I don't really answer back like I'm human and their concerned, I admit I was rude at that time but I really appreciated the concern.

I wouldn't leave out the concern of the other people like Alto who doesn't mind to check the materials I'm suppose to check coz I'm quite sloppy when I'm checking them; Micheal who would insist that I go home because I was not feeling well; Paul and Lea who would be concerned if I could carry my arm chair and still live; Joko who bug me once in a while and ask if I am still apart of this world.......

where am I leading to?......... I don't know really...... I feel like if I go now, would there be people who will cry? I know my parents would...... If I go now, will I feel the pain? would I cry? would Ed know? Will my friends know the reality I live in?

phft.... would I know for an instance? am I going to die?...

I have to keep in mind that this is just depression.... no, I don't want to die. If I die I'll hurt the ones I never wanted to hurt and at the same time hurt those who I want to hurt.... so is it for me to do? kill myself? ha ha, why? it's sai hei...... the funny thing is that, none of my friends mentioned here will ever know.

they won't, will never..... because they don't know where I'm putting this. they won't know exactly when I did it. they won't know how I feel. they won't know.... they'd asked but they won't do it coz they don't know, I don't want them to ask because they don't understand me.

but I'll be sorry if I go, really sorry...

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